Nov 22, 2014

Radical Jack: Badass Billy Ray Cyrus?

If you mention FOUR things about Billy Ray Cyrus, chances are that the following are among them:
Bad Music, Bad Parenting, Bad Hairdo, Bad Acting... In the English language the terms "Badass" and "Billy Ray Cyrus" should not be used in the same sentence unless there is an "is not" between
"Ass" and "Billy".

Well, it's time to change that with RADICAL JACK! The synopsis on the back of the sleeve (yes, sleeve. Movie was so cheap that it couldn't even afford a DVD case.)
Five years ago, CIA Agent Jack Reynolds' family was slaughtered
after he tried to bust illegal arms dealers. Now, he's got his chance to get even. In a corrupt small town controlled by a sadistic gun runner, he's going undercover, taking on the locals,and waiting for the opportunity for revenge.

This almost sounds like the plot to a Stephen J. Cannell show.

I didn't want to do a play by play, but I did it to his daughter, it's fair that I do it to him!
Without further ado, here's the Play by Play First impressions Rant on RADICAL JACK!

MS.DOS inspired Credits? Hoo boy! I guess I shouldn't tell my Achy Breaky Heart that this movie might suck... Oh yeah, the lesser Pfeiffer is in on this.

So we start at a bar where a dude with biker gloves finished a shot. whaddya know? Super Dad of the Century, Billy Ray Cyrus combining shots with beer! GASP! Even Smoking! Mickey is
disappoint. Suits enter the bar to talk with Rad Jack. they ID Him by using a pic of Billy Ray circa 1992 (Achy Breaky Heart, or the time he should have pulled out.)

Suits try to talk to Rad Jack, but as the rules of the Brooding anti-Hero code mandate, he refuses and kicks their asses. Yes, that's right! Billy Ray Cyrus kicking ass. It's laughibly bad.
Punching sounds seem to be ripped from a videogame and the camera angles make the pulled punches seem more obvious than a rasslin' match.

Rad Jack pulls off in his bike while other suits are in pur...suit? The rest of the MS.DOS credits keep rolling as Rad Jack maintains his two-stat wanted level.

Oh lawd! This is horrible! "high Speed chase" = Leisure Sunday Stroll. the suits finally stop Rad Jack! But Rad Jack punches the suit. Ooh! Billy Ray cussing! The suit kinda points Rad Jack into
the revenge path... Very vaguely, I must add. I'm deducing it from what I read on the synopsis.

Now Rad Jack is on the rad Jeep, cruisin'... The suits DID give Rad Jack the info needed for his quest for revenge or something. He stops next to a house where Catwoman's sister is showing off her boobs... Because this movie is Rated R...
She's having a conversation with some guy about how she can't keep doing this anymore. Ah, she's his mistress... in a small town. Don't make him angry, you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Now we have Rad Jack doing Rad Laundry! at the laundromat... Yay! Action! Rad Jack is now trying to get a job as a Rad Bartender!PTSD Flashbacks by seeing a little girl and her mother. Seriously
they used Sepia tones for the flashbacks? And they used the tumbling laundry to cut to the flashbacks? they even added sappy music with tension to tell us that he is suffering... James Allen
Bradley, subtlety is a foreign language to you.

Rad Jack and the guy who I'm 98.5% sure is the bad guy cross paths in a very obvious way. Now Rad Jack is a Rad Bartender who will live in a room above the Rad Bar!

Rad Jack is making Rad Surveillance when some kids trigger his Rad PTSD. His super CIA training didn't allow him to notice the kids sneaking up to him and questioning his rad actions. Yup! I was
right! The dude banging Catwoman's sister WAS a bad guy!

So, Rad Jack is following some bad guys who happen to harass the second black person I've seen in the movie. Rad Jack to the rescue. BRC threatened the rednecks with his Achy Breaky self. The
lesser Pfeiffer seems to be curious about Achy Breaky Man.

Cops show up to the bar and talk to bad guy. the sheriff wants to back out of something. Bad dude eases his doubts... (guessing someone will shoot the sheriff.)

The henchmen are ramming the Sheriff's car off the road? Aw! No one shot the Sheriff. they just tossed the car over a cliff after dousing it with Gasoline. The Deputy gives Mrs. Sheriff the bad
news but after a bit of bribe sex, someone shot the Sheriff...s wife!

Rad Jack is stalking the bad guys at a warehouse, where the evil shipment will leave soon. More Achy Breaky Flashbacks.
Meanwhile Bad guy's father berates his son. The whole shooting the sheriff's wife and killing the sheriff was a bad idea.

Achy Breaky Montage with Flashbacks? Aw hell naw! Bar owner knows a vet when he sees one. Now they bonded for a little, because 'Murica.

Punkass henchbitch tattles on Rad Jack to the Bad Guy. Meanwhile Catwoman's sister has the hots for Rad Jack! but he ain't got no time fo dat! Other waitress warns Rad Jack about bad guys. Now bad guy is pissed at Rad Jack because Catwoman's sister is talking to the Mighty Mullet.

Oh sweet niblets! Rad Jack needs to pee. Hopefully this will lead to a horribly choreographed Bathroom fight scene.
Movie, I am disappoint. Badguy just talked to Rad Jack and failed at being intimidating. Billy Ray just pushed the bitch he is. Bad dude tries to fight Rad Jack and gets tossed like a punkass
bitch... again!

Parking lot fight? Ooh! a knife! What Will Billy Ray do?
Make Roland look like a bitch... Then again, the Henchman helped keep the Roland=Bitch by interfering with a pool stick.
What's Billy Ray going to do? Make a bitch out of both of them.

The town cheers, but the bar owner is disappoint. The new Sheriff is clearly on Roland's pocket and threatened Rad Jack.

Awkward! The lesser Pfeiffer tried to seduce the Achy Breaky Man but failed. Now the Bar Owner talks to Rad Jack and Jack spills the beans as he keeps spying on the bad guys.
Roland's father berates his son once more and treats him like a little bitch.
Meanwhile, Rad Jack calls back home using gadgets and confirms that the bad
guy is the bad guy.

The waitresses discuss life, death and other crap and how sexy BRC is.

Now BitchRoland is following the Lesser Pfiffer to the General store and harasses her... Bitchslapping a Pfeiffer is a bad idea...
In other news I can hear the voice of the Hooped Earring one 
talking about Pay Tree Are Key and My Soggy Knee Stick movie.

Rad Jack is following the Elder bad guy. the Sheriff has a meeting
with the Elder bad and needs info on Rad Jack!

The dying Pfeiffer reaches her friend who gives her some first aid. Finally! The movie passed the halfway point! I guess this is MORE Motivation for Rad Jack to kill Roland.
Sheriff Crooked gets Jack's ID and prints in a not so subtle way.

Radical Jack is gonna go Radical on the bad guys...

Sorry for the BBT clip, but Ackbar was sick today.
Oh his Achy breaky ribs!

Sheriff Crooked comes to Big Bad's house to deliver the info to the Elder bad... He crapped his pants when he discovered that Rad Jack may be tied to the Military.

Oh crap! Rad Jack is being nursed to health by the waitresses. Will they use the power of sexual healing to save Billy Ray?
No...

Meanwhile, bad bitch Roland is testing guns. The old Man and Sheriff Crooked deliver bad news to him.

Rad Jack finally woke up. He sends Pfeiffer to do his shopping.

Bitchboy Roland looks for Rad Jack at the bar. He does the standard bad guy posturing and threatening everyone, but nothing truly happens... just like this movie

He breaks and enters into the other waitress' house looking for Rad Jack but finds nothing. When the girls return they find Jack hiding under the bed like a child.

Elder bad is terrified of Jack and is trying to secure his investment.

Oh no... She's going to take advantage of an incapacitated Billy Ray Cyrus! No, this is reaching The Room in awkwardness. Well, that's over! Now we have background story that we all kinda knew.

It's 7:00 AM Waking up in the morning... and Billy Ray is getting ready for the Final fight. He's gone Redneck Rambo with the amount of guns he has.

Meanwhile the bad guys are gathering in one place... Easier for Rad Jack to kill them all.

Really, Billy Ray dashed to the place and NO ONE SAW HIM!? The bad guys are making the deal and Pfiffer arrives to distract Sheriff Crooked or put herself in peril. (I'm guessing the latter.)

Really? This is his master plan? Go suicide bomber on the guy. The bad guys bicker and Roland shoots his father.
Shootout!! Finally some action and... yawn!

Oh noez! Billy Ray got shot! Bitch Roland taunts Radical Jack and gets shot by Pfeiffer.
The Chico Malo (cause he's latino) takes Pfeiffer and threatens Billy Ray. He even cuts her arm with the worse fake blood gag I've seen, but the Achy Breaky Man solved everything.

The suit was behind it all, um all along! Pfeiffer pulls of a maneuver that makes her seem like a CIA Agent, but isn't.

So, the Achy Breaky Heartman and the Lesser Pfeiffer lived happily ever after... the end? yes!

Now for my thoughts:

It's obvious that this is a Direct to Video Movie. Just as obvious that Billy Ray Cyrus is NOT badass.
This movie was an attempt at Roadhouse for Billy Ray Cyrus, but it failed miserably. the horrible pacing and lack of action really hurt this movie. I mean, look at the Trailer. The movie sounds so badass from it, then the real movie disappoints... Which btw seems to be the theme of the movie. It fills you with hope for something, then it doesn't deliver. (or what delivers fails to meet up expectations) Even the cover lies. There's no scene of Dedee Pfeiffer with Billy Ray on a bike in the desert.

If I were to rate it, I'd give it two jars of moonshine out of ten.

Nov 21, 2014

Disney what are u doing? Disney stahp!

Just saw the Trailer to Disney's newest Live Action Bastardization/prequel/retelling of a Disney Animated feature's trailer.


What have I got to say about it?

 that's the short version.

The long version, which is likely why you're reading this... you are, right? is like this.

If Disney wanted to make a Live Action Adaptation of their Animated Feature they should have simply REDONE the Animated Feature with Actors. Adding all this extra back story is just needless filler to pretend that they are being artistic. "Adding depth and pathos" to the story.

My answer to that is:


I saw Maleficent the other day. Holy crap! That movie took one of, if not Disney's GREATEST Villains and then... they did this to Maleficent.

No, I did not like the movie. They took the evilest bitch in all of Sleeping Beauty and turned her into a misunderstood victim, while the real villain was a "cis scum white male" or whatever the "evil term to describe males" is today.

Something that bugs me is that the Cast doesn't look like the Characters from the Animated feature. At least Maleficent tried to get that part right.
Oh crap! Helena Boham Carter, again! Is this a Tim Burton Movie?
I know it's from the dude from that crappy movie with the catchy song...
Here's the thing, Disney: We already have an awesome Cinderella movie that was Live Action and gave us more backstory to the characters...
Oh yeah! It was made by 20th Century Fox... Like the title says: Disneay STOP!! I'm afraid of a Jafar movie where he's misunderstood and is trying to bring Democracy to Agrabah or some other crap... Or wait... SCAR!! Filmed with real live animals!! 

Prince Charming...
I know this won't be Bay Turdles bad, but it's making me yearn for the Disney Direct to Video Sequels of Cinderella... Also, what's with the Trailer showing me the entire plot of the movie?